Jonny told me he loved me earlier.
Now this is significant for 2 reasons (on top of the fact it’s always lovely to hear that someone loves you).
Firstly, every time the nurses inject more sedatives they make sure we’re very aware that THIS time could be the time he doesn’t wake up again.
Secondly, for the last few days Jonny’s not known who I am… I can’t even express how difficult this has been. In his seriously drugged up state he’s been completely disorientated, frustrated and irritated. He gets angry when I try to help him with something or comfort him and two days ago he turned his head to me and shouted at me to leave him alone and get his parents. In a desperate attempt to soothe him I repeated who I was and stroked his hair to another chorus of ‘leave me alone, get off, I don’t want you, I want my parents’ – all relatively incoherent I must add…
I had to leave the room after that. I just lost it. The general consensus was that where his body is shutting down, his mind is reverting. He’s becoming very childlike, and I’ve only been a part of his life for 4 years out of 21…. I guess you lose that part quite quickly.
I didn’t even cry. I sat outside the hospice seething with frustration and brimming with tears but I didn’t cry.
I was just numb.
So when I found myself sitting with him in silence as usual, yesterday, I wasn’t thinking much of anything when I said my usual spiel to my near unconscious boyfriend; don’t be scared, I love you, you can let go now, etc.
And then out of nowhere he mumbled ‘hey’ followed by ‘how’re you’…
I told him I missed him, and he reciprocated, so I followed with ‘I love you Jonnybean’ (don’t ask!)
His eyes fluttered as if to open and he said ‘I love you Lizziebean’.
I cried then. I lost it in a whole different way.
And then I just watched him sleep, so calm and quiet.
And just for a moment, everything was okay and I was at peace.