No, not the post apocalyptic 2004 disaster film starring Jake Gyllenhaal.
More the sentiment that there will always be another day.
When I hit the 24 hour mark and sat through an uneventful ten minutes, that felt like they should have been more significant, I realised that this was how it’s going to be. Things will come and go and carry on, most of it will only be important to me, most of these moments will be firsts.
But to everyone else it’s just time, and over time people will become less aware of the anniversaries that will stand out to me; the time of night he died, the day we ‘married’ (a story for another time) in the hospice, the last time he played live with his band…
I have a huge path of first times stretching ahead of me that I can’t comprehend. There’s the big ones like the first christmas, the first anniversary of his death, the first birthday without him.
And there’s the small ones; the first time I go to the cinema without him, the first time I sleep alone in a double bed, the first time I accidentally start calling him before remembering….
The latter has been a big one for me. I have constant moments of thinking ‘I better text Jonny that, he’ll love it!’ before remembering. In fact, in the end, I did just send him a text saying I missed him. I know he won’t see it but it was somewhat soothing at the time to pretend.
I’m fairly disillusioned with life right now.
I don’t much fancy being part of a world without the wonderful Jonny Walker.
I’m angry. I’m fed up of being told how I should be grieving; ‘You’re doing too much, you’re not doing enough, stop wallowing, stop laughing, you don’t even seem sad’
WELL I AM.
I just don’t break down publicly like that, I keep going and smiling because it’s the only way I can cope right now. Trust me, I sob into my pillow for hours on end in the dead of night; I rile myself up until I’m shaking with anger and digging my fingernails into my palms so hard they bleed.
I am absolutely not fine.
But I don’t need to prove that to anyone.
I’ve done 24 hours, so I can keep going. There’s always another day. And after tomorrow there’s another sunrise. We’re in perpetual motion and it won’t stop.
I have no choice but to live, and to live well, and to live in Jonny’s honour through everything I do.
He will always be my reason to keep going.
He’s my rock.