This is one of those nights where I’m not sure how I’m going to cope.
I probably shouldn’t write when I’m this upset but the grief counsellor said I probably find some sort of therapy in writing this blog so… Hey.
It really gets overwhelming sometimes. I know it hasn’t been very long and it’s allowed, but grief is a series of waves between unthinkable devastation followed by mild coping mechanisms that soon fall to pieces and make way for more tides of sadness.
I just don’t know how to do this.
Granted it’s late at night, I’m exhausted, I’m emotional, I’m crying my eyes out.
It won’t always be this way.
But right now it’s this way more often than not and that’s a damn struggle.
I made the mistake of reading through all of mine and Jonny’s old texts from the last couple of months as his health was declining and he was in and out of hospital. He was so sweet and funny and always saving face in all of them. Always putting me first and playing down his illness.
I don’t know how I do this bit without him.
I don’t know how I stand up at his funeral and find the words to explain just how much of an honour it’s been to be a part of his life. I want him to be there, holding my hand and reminding me we’ll get through it, like he always has done.
I want to cuddle him again. I miss his hugs.
I just really want it to not be this hard anymore.
But grief is cruel and long and painful and cares for nothing and no one.
It’s just not fair.
It’s really, really not fair.