This is one of those nights where I’m not sure how I’m going to cope.

I probably shouldn’t write when I’m this upset but the grief counsellor said I probably find some sort of therapy in writing this blog so… Hey.

It really gets overwhelming sometimes. I know it hasn’t been very long and it’s allowed, but grief is a series of waves between unthinkable devastation followed by mild coping mechanisms that soon fall to pieces and make way for more tides of sadness.

I just don’t know how to do this.

Granted it’s late at night, I’m exhausted, I’m emotional, I’m crying my eyes out.
It won’t always be this way.
But right now it’s this way more often than not and that’s a damn struggle.

I made the mistake of reading through all of mine and Jonny’s old texts from the last couple of months as his health was declining and he was in and out of hospital. He was so sweet and funny and always saving face in all of them. Always putting me first and playing down his illness.

I don’t know how I do this bit without him.

I don’t know how I stand up at his funeral and find the words to explain just how much of an honour it’s been to be a part of his life. I want him to be there, holding my hand and reminding me we’ll get through it, like he always has done.

I want to cuddle him again. I miss his hugs.
I just really want it to not be this hard anymore. 

But grief is cruel and long and painful and cares for nothing and no one.

It’s just not fair.
It’s really, really not fair. 



  1. emmanuelorangeazoe · October 30, 2014

    God bless you.


  2. puzzledbythepieces · October 31, 2014

    I felt the same way after my daughter passed away. I can remember sobbing the words “It’s just not fair” over and over again. I just couldn’t understand why God would take someone that I loved so much away from me. Now that the pain is a bit less “raw” the days have gotten a bit easier. However, the crack in your heart never completely goes away. Instead, it shapes who we are and person that we become. I am sorry for your loss.


    • Team Jonny · October 31, 2014

      I am sorry for your loss also.
      To lose a child is said to be the hardest, I cannot comprehend that.
      You must be very strong to have come this far, it is great for me to have someone like you reading and interacting with my blog, thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

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