This post… Is a difficult one.
I’m going to keep it short and to the point.
I urge you to keep an open mind whilst reading it because unless you’ve experienced it, you’re probably going to be confused about how I feel…
I think I finally understand what the grief counsellor said about being angry at Jonny for dying….
I’m not angry at Jonny himself.
I’m really not.
I guess… I’m angry at the situation.
Selfish as it may seem, I’m angry that he went and died and left me in this state, a wreck of what I was or could have been.
Does that make sense?
Or do I sound like the worst person in the world?
It’s incredibly difficult to articulate this feeling. I really bear no ill will towards my beautiful boyfriend. I adored him with all my heart, and I still do now.
I just feel so angry that through no fault of my own (or his) I’m now left a complete emotional mess, picking up the pieces of a shattered former life than can never be whole again.
I think of what other people my age are doing: flirting, partying, dating and even settling down, and I can’t have those things and when I think about the possibility of doing those things in the future I’m guilt ridden, paralysed at the thought of my own betrayal towards Jonny.