Today I’m going to try and write something a little more positive!
(Amazingly I’m not angry ALL the time!)
I’m going to write a little about the stages of grief, from my point of view, and direct you to a few places that can help if you identify with my blog and need some more support.
The most valuable piece of information I was given after the death of my partner was that you don’t necessarily feel the stages of grief in the order they’re commonly presented.
Although there’s much debate on what and how many stages there are; it’s commonly suggested that death is followed by:
– Denial –
– Anger –
– Bargaining –
– Depression –
– Acceptance –
I felt like I was supposed to fit into this model of grieving, I didn’t realise that our journeys come in all shapes and forms. I naively assumed that if I could just get through these stages systematically I could achieve acceptance and it wouldn’t hurt anymore…
I now realise that it’s possible to feel all of these at once, or in combination with each other, with the exception, perhaps, of acceptance.
Chances are you’ll feel depressed through most of those stages.
A feeling of anger may lead to denial or vice versa.
You’ll also probably find that the stages re-surface a little way down the line. I, for example, often finding myself relapsing (for lack of a better word) back into the denial stage. Although, I guess, it’s different types of denial. In the immediate hours and days following Jonny’s death there was a real sense of not actually being able to comprehend that he was gone and therefore not believing it. Whereas now, a few months down the line, I find myself struggling to understand how it can have been so long since I heard his voice… It’s so normal now to wake up in a state and then continue my day knowing Jonny’s gone that I almost don’t believe he’s actually dead…
That might not make sense if you haven’t personally felt that way.
It’s hard to articulate some aspects of grief.
Here’s a few things that helped me when I lay awake the night of Jonny’s death and struggled to cope:
Hello Grief – The Behaviour of the Bereaved by Emily Clark – this post is just an extension of the topic I’m trying to write about above.
It Happened To Me, My Boyfriend Died by Lela – This article is more specific to the loss of a partner. It’s a beautiful and heart-wrenching read that deals with the ‘he was JUST a boyfriend…’ remark that I’ve often had thrown at me.
Coping With Bereavement, NHS Choices – This is a more general outlook on the basics of dealing with grief.
Also, it’s important to remember there are resources available to you if you are struggling to cope such as Samaritans who offer confidential phone calls 24 hours a day.
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90
I’ve used them myself, at 3 in the morning, drunk and alone, crying my eyes out, and take it from me: the lady on the other end listened to me cry, she didn’t judge, she didn’t ask for any details about me or my situation, she just listened and offered advice where needed.
They are a fantastic service if you’re based in the UK and Ireland!
So there, proof I can write posts that aren’t bitter and angry!
I’m going to try and be a bit more objective in my posts and not just rant about things… But from the start I wanted this blog to be honest about the process of grief and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to sugarcoat things…
Stay strong everyone, it’s going to get better.
It has to.